Hello, my lovlies.
I apologize for being away for so long, but between work, maintaining a somewhat active social life and keeping my Instagram alive, duty called. Also, I was trying to figure out a good topic to discuss for my next post. Although I discus things like fashion, clothes and makeup, I want the main focus of my blog to be self acceptance. I want girls to feel safe here because I'm not going to judge them because they don't dress like I do, have tons of clothes or aren't so skinny they could be zippers if turned sideways. That isn't what this lady is about.
So, on that theme I wanted to discuss a topic today that has been bothering me for some time now. I am one of the many people out there who suffer from depression, low self esteem and severe anxiety. All three of these things coupled together make it a little difficult for me to be true to myself since I am constantly seeking the unnecessary approval of others. This has been a long battle and one that I hope to win. I will never stop believing that I can get better and be the person I truly want.
Dealing with depression is difficult on many levels. Some of it stems from your own self loathing and part is brought on by the negativity of those around you. Simply because I tend to dress in a more outlandish way, and often in what people would consider gothic attire I am labeled as being 'emo' and they believe I wear black because I'm depressed and struggle with identity issues. This is where the whole, 'It's just a phase' theory comes in.
And although I do struggle with dark feelings, have dealt with suicide and self mutilation, these things do not define me. They are a part of me, but they cannot prevent me from moving forward. Neither can outside negativity. Depression is a war waged between you, the unbalanced chemicals in your brain and the skewed ideas about yourself that result from it.
I was diagnosed at the age of eighteen, which is fairly old considering the amount of teenage depression that is going around. The earliest I remember dealing with a sense of overwhelming helplessness was at around ten years old. This spiraled for several years, was nurtured by an abusive relationship and fed by my own need for space. By the time I went into therapy I weighed less than a hundred pounds and had marks all along my arm. In my mind, there was no hope.
However, there was light in the darkness. The will to live is much stronger than we think. And even if you find yourself sitting in the closet with a razor to your wrist, that will whispers, "You have more to live for." And even though it's taken a long time to realize it, I now know that I do. So much more than I ever thought possible seven years ago. Where once life was a struggle, I look for joy, purpose and meaning. I live for me because I can make my life the best. And I fully intend to.
Now, I'm not discussing this a way to get sympathy, pity or views. I want other girls like me, who have felt, fat, ugly, inadequate and useless to know that they couldn't be more wrong. There is beauty behind every tear streaked face and power within a struggling soul. Each woman on this planet has amazing potential and should never let anything hold them back. Life can be seized and it is yours for the taking.
I wake up, look at the mirror and focus on what I want to be that day, rather than lingering on what I used to be. Even though I'm still plagued by images of girls with five inch thigh gaps, bigger breasts, cooler clothes, better hair, I try hard to think, "They are not me." And that makes all the difference in the world. I know that I am one of a kind and that as much as I sometimes wish I was someone else, it would be a waste of time because I'm amazing in my own ways.
So, I may be moody, outrageous, a little in your face and often times sad for no reason, I am still fabulous. And so are all the other misfits, freaks, weirdos and misunderstood girls who have yet to realize their potential. Don't waste your time people who hate for no reason. Your flaws, quirks and weird habits make you unique. And sure, you could try to look like Karlie Kloss, Kim Kardashian, Ariana Grande or Selena Gomez; but why substitute that for the beauty that is already there.
TO anyone who has ever been in a dark place, found themselves lost or simply wandering without purpose, you have a reason to exist. That's why you're here. Make the most of it and take time out to love yourself.
And always, be true to you. <3 <3 <3
